The Suffering Bastard

The relationship is over. Over over over. Raise a glass, then, and drink up. Sweet at first, of course, but you'll soon see that each sip is harder and harder to swallow.

I am not drinking tonight, since that's the last thing I need. But, just for the fun of it, were I to pour myself a long, tall glass of fire water, here's what I'd pick, as I feel I know it well, both in myself and the company I kept ::

THE SUFFERING BASTARD

1 oz. bourbon
1 oz. gin
1 oz. fresh-squeezed lime juice
4 oz. ginger ale
a dash of angostura bitters

mix all the ingredients in a shaker,
pour into double old fashioned glass filled with ice,
garnish with mint sprig, orange wheel and maraschino cherry

Just don't be surprised if the whole thing makes you sick.

The Roy Rogers

A deliciously consequence-free concoction of sweet sparkling cola and grenadine syrup, the Roy Rogers will never lead you down dark alleys in your bloomers screaming, "I'm too beautiful to not be naked!" at the top of your lungs like some other drinks will. Believe me; I know. Now if only I could find those bloomers.

Because sometimes you have to give bad habits the boot...

The Roy Rogers' worst offense may be a cavity of two, but, h-e-double-hockey-stick, you won't even be too drunk to brush your teeth when you get home from that saloon, so even dental hygiene is well-served by this mocktail. Everyone's happy. Well, everyone except the potato-shaped halitosis man eying you in the corner. No, he's hoping you'll start downing both the gin and your inhibitions mighty quick. But no worry. Roy's here. There'll be none of that under his watch. So happy trails to you. And bottoms up!

THE ROY ROGERS

6 oz. of cola
1/4 oz. of grenadine

stir well and garnish with a maraschino cherry,
serve in a collins glass filled with ice